Cheri Strange, Christian Speaker and Author

           Although getting these blogs out about the top ten factors for successful marriages has taken longer than I expected, I am really benefitting from what I’m finding. I hope you are, too. Some of the findings have served as good reminders of what I should be doing. Some have hit me harder than I’d like because I know what to do --- I’m just not doing it. Others have been encouraging to me, because somehow – I have been on the right track toward success.

            Today we focus on the ninth trait. I’m not sure what to call this one – beyond “Be a helper.” Further than this idea of being a helper is to “Be a selfless helper.” What I found was that couples who basically served one another in various ways ---- helping with…whatever…---were the ones who experienced healthy, happy, satisfying marriages. This is one of those areas we have grown into. I don’t remember a lot of helping each other in the first 2-3 years of marriage. We were still learning each other and not really sure how to help. And we were still fairly self-sufficient individuals, handling all that life brought with ease. But across the next ten years he went to medical school and I got a PhD. We had two babies, he started a business, and I taught at a university. We learned to help each other. Help came physically, picking up kids and feeding them so I could write. Other times it came emotionally when I was discouraged about deadlines and impossibilities. Or when 60 patients a day, always being on-call, sucked the life out of my husband, I could help encourage him and provide ways I knew he could mentally and emotionally recharge.

            The research about this idea of being a selfless helper offered a few suggestions on how to do it. I hope you find these helpful beyond a simple personal anecdote. These came from the research of Jim and Sally Conway.

1.      Selfless helpers offer affirmation to each other. They encourage each other and seek to complete the other. They actually use words of encouragement. Not only did they use words, but they use their bodies – like a short hug, a squeeze, a flirtatious look or kiss.

2.      Selfless helpers treat each other with mutual respect. They do not put each other in an invisible box that limits who they are, what they do, or what they can accomplish – because one is a man and one is a woman.

3.      Selfless helpers possess a positive self-image. The couples relate how much better they serve one another when they are more secure in themselves. We can grow in this area by listening to those who try to lift us up and encourage us for who we are. Personally, it was through accepting what God sees in me and who He says I am that has done more for my self-image than any compliment or triumph. These counselors concur.

4.      Selfless helpers encourage their spouses to develop their unique gifts. For instance, in order for me to write and speak, Chad must help through encouragement, giving me time alone, and taking care of the kids instead of doing what he wants.  It costs him to help me – but he believes in who God is making me to be and what He is calling me to do.

5.       Selfless helpers work to meet the needs of their partner. They suggest finding out the top 3 things your spouse needs most (like encouragement or physical touch). Then do them. I have found this one strategy to take the mystery out of how to serve my man more than anything else.

This list is not inclusive – just a start. If you have any other ideas to share, please leave a comment. May God richly bless your efforts to live out His desires for your marriage.